the world is my oyster . . . . but I'm seafood intolerant

www.therealargentina.com/author/lisa

www.mrandmrssmith.com/us/reviewer/lisa-goldapple

 

 

I ‘d like to compare myself to the New Zealand-resident Puriri Moth – a creature which survives in a cocoon for decades until it finally burrows out to explore the world.

Except this moth only lives for 24 hours.

And it spends that day mating.

After which it dies. Hmmm.

Lisa Goldapple =  EQUALS = Puriri Moth

(Not to scale. I hope)

Actually, the Puriri moth doesn’t even have a mouth, one-track-mind-ed little fucker that it is, so it doesn’t even eat – and that’s where the analogy fails. I’m a binge eater.

Plus I’m a lil older than 1 day, so basically it doesn’t work at all.

Is this a good time to make a gag about a Rolling Stone gathers no Moths?

You can take the girl outta TV, but you can’t take the TV out the girl

In the Prehistoric Era – a pre-blogging, pre-digital photography and pre-status-update-tweeting world (aka the Dark Ages of 2003), Lisa Goldapple (a self-proclaimed London Meeja-Ho) bought a one-way ticket to Argentina to travel the globe. She said goodbye to her badly-paid and even-worse-behaved city life as a scriptwriter and a decade of producing music shows, softcore porn masquerading as reality tee-vee, and hardcore masquerading as Nat Geo podcasts about the gestation period of elephants and dolphins.

This change was all inspired by a work* trip to La La Land and Vegas.

*less ‘work ‘and more:

1 x incident with the face of Armani (sitting on)

1 x pilled-up, passport-missing (well, left on hotel bed) airport confrontation which involved being convinced the stewardess was Jackie Brown

1 x attempt to dump the camera equipment and head to Mexico

Smuggling too much Malbec out of Argentina, Passport Control Buenos Aires

‘Goldapple’ didn’t come back or see anyone she knew for 3 years, plus started talking about herself in the 3rd person (and using paretheses a lot). Thence (if that is a word) began the journey (actually maybe not a ‘journey’ – that would imply a lesson being learned/ learnt?).

Thence/ And so, began the trip.

And the reaaaaaally looooooong e-mails. Many have proudly mentioned how they would print them out and read them in the shitter.

From crossing Australia with the Beastie Boys and Slipknot, to living with endangered gibbons building treehouses in Laos (her, not the primates), to working for months in silence in a national park as a candle sculptor for the ex-supermodel who gets her tits out in Chevy Chase’s ‘Animal House’, to ‘that wrap party’ behaviour which got her deported from New Zealand, to producing and later voicing porn, it’s all been documented.

The Prodigy's Leeroy used to call me 'Tidemark' as he reckoned if he bathed me (wish he would) I'd leave a black ring in the bath (yeh, I just namedropped. that's how I roll)

In 2010 she realised her romantic vision of moving to Buenos Aires and is now working on solely wearing dramatic, minimalistic black clothes and horn-rimmed specs, quaffing Malbec and drinking coffee on her own in candlelit cafes whilst reading novels like Catch-22. When she’s not directing and scripting international TV shows, cumming down a mic voicing Playboy porn, running illegal house parties in Bs As and writing her own comedy, she blogs,  vlogs and slogs for various sites.

Now that a little Recession-Depression has hit the (y)UK, nobody wants to hear how good your holidays are-slash-were-slash-will-be, so due to popular demand it’s time to revisit all those memories of trustafarian travel assholes, psychedelic-amphetamine-based fear and fake lonely laughs. You never know, you might even pick up a travel tip or two before you flee the isle.

Names have not been changed to protect the not-so innocent. So, if you’ve ever met me, be VERY afraid.

R.I.P. Meeja Ho

They’re Coming…

• Mi Estomago es Mas Grande que un Caballo
• Economistas & Cloud Perverts
• Kick the Cops
• Marmite, Masochism and the 8th Wonder of the World
• Jungle Barbie & the Slow Boat to Peru
• Xtreme Pie Eating & Richter Action
• The Passion of the Goldapple: from Nunnery to Kiwi casting couch
• Chips, Dips & Wax on the nips
• There’s a Rat Shit in my Candle, what am I gonna do?
• Poking, Banging & Humping in Rural Seclusion
• I Come in the Land Down Under
• Jump on the Bandwagon: Musos Cum to Stuff your Muff
• Treehouses, Maps & a Gibbon Called Willy
• High Fidelity Travellers, Accidental Tourists & Bad Monks
• Crouching Mustafa, Hidden Mohammed

For a slightly more serious side:

www.therealargentina.com/author/lisa

www.mrandmrssmith.com/us/reviewer/lisa-goldapple

Love, Goldapple x