my life (well, car) has gone downhill since you left

my car is deaded

after i t-boned a cop car

which killed it.

i got shock

and whiplash,

have a throat infection,

glands like golf balls

and can’t swallow

(insert gag here).

thought i was gonna have a baby and

have approx 60 bites from

bed-bugs-slash-midge-type-things-

bizarrely all since you left.

anything you wanna tell me?

like…

… do you have fleas?

This was an actual text sent in 2003 after a ‘night’ spent with an Australian breaks DJ who was over in New Zealand on tour (he shall remain nameless).

I read this as “I am a witty, interesting type who you should definitely want to have a 2nd night stand with and introduce to all your wicked musician pals when I get to OZ – even though I don’t particularly want you, you should want me”.

It is difficult to read tone in e-mails.

He read it as “I am most definitely an unhinged bunny boiler”.

And eventually replied with… “I told my girlfriend my bruises were from a fight”.

Funnily enough he’d never mentioned her.