Library Goggles, Locationships & the Office Crush

E-mail from Auckland, Nov 2004 – when the good luck ran low. As the Pet Shop Boys so eloquently put it, “What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?”.

I wish life then had been a bit more “Girls, boys, arts, pleasure.”


Bad news. I’ve been ‘fired-slash-made redundant-slash-really-the-best-thing-that-ever-happened-to-me-in-a-blessing-in-a-disguise-sorta-way.

Well, it might be once I have the advantage of hindsight.

What could I possibly have done to lose my Director’s job, NZ sponsorship and visa combo? I even had 2 assistants. – Had.

It’s nothing to do with fact at 7am on a Sunday morning I would holler into the ‘comms’ (talkback for the Brits), “Can someone shoot that rainbow as a transition?” – and the Producer would retort, “Lisa, you’re at work now, it’s time to come down.” into everyone’s headsets.

Oh well, not a bad innings really. I lasted through one front-page sex scandal, one naked wrap-party extravaganza (that’s for another time), and one wholly nasty 9 months making hardcore porn masquerading as ‘constructed’ reality tv, working for the most sociopathic tv bitch in the world. I’m certain that is a fact. No other ‘do or die’ company’s attitude could possibly compare.

Ah, one problem – the production company had sponsored my ass and therefore owned my ass.

No job = No visa to stay in New Zealand.

Fuck it, have decided am gonna risk it and stay another 2 months. I’ve already been here 1.5 years. What they gonna do? Stamp me an overstayer and stop me coming back in the country?

Er, yes.

The goggled face of unemployment
The Dance of the Illegal Alien


My biggest regret about leaving that company before the Christmas office party is that I never got to have a ‘Locationship’ (fling with crew member or presenter that only lasts as long as the show) or to speak (throw myself) on my Office Crush.

Aah, my Office Crush mmm. He’s a writer that always wears black and is oh-so-aloof-and-brooding. I had created an entire persona around this guy, even deciding he’s really into Kerouac, Dylan and Nick Drake. I know the fantasy would’ve been shattered if I ever actually communicated with him. And actually, I can’t bear fanatics of Kerouac, Dylan and Nick Drake.

I have only ever said one sentence to him. Once I offered him a lift down the road and for some reason said “I don’t think that door opens” – as he easily opened the back door to my car and got in. Now, that’s a conversation.

Recently I heard recently he can’t write, is really arrogant and obnoxious out of work – and has halitosis. This was obviously just an acute case of ‘Library Goggles’ such as you’d get at Uni when the surrounds of a library/ book shop/ art gallery made get the intellectual horn and find everyone attractive = breeding grounds for the thinking girl’s crumpet.

Yes, I referred to myself as a thinking girl.

Still, it doesn’t stop me from calling the bird who sits next to him to ask her what he’s wearing every day. Don’t know why I bother. It’s always black. Oh, he is oh-so-aloof-and-mysterious*.

*stalking people via telephone is not something I make a habit of**
**that is a downright lie

I’ll tell you about the Pop Idol presenter another time.


The whole time I worked at this place I hated it and wanted out (of working all weekend in particular). Well, I got my wish. I always thought I had a grass is half empty / glass is greener mentality – and now worried I would be bored being unemployed. But, oh no! Actually, the grass really is greener in New Zealand than anywhere else, let me tell you, especially when the sun is going down.

Since clearing my desk and stealing a ‘Once Were Warriors’ DVD, rolla-tippex, and a note cube (ha, fuck you, think you can fire me?), I’ve remembered why I fell in love with this country. I’ve spent the last couple of years climbing through bush to secluded waterfalls and holes, bathing, fishing, eating, camping, tripping, sunning, drinking, and being very merry indeed in the southern hemisphere. But that sort of stuff is boring so I won’t tell you about the nice times. Yawn.

It was all good until I had a run of bad luck, so here we go.

Bad luck can come in all sorts of imaginative shapes and forms. This week has been record breaking:

  • lost my job
  • lost my visa to be in the country
  • had my entire bag stolen with my pal Creative Nomad (mp3 jukebox containing 3000 tracks), mobile phone with all my tel numbers (just before Christmas) and my cash and cards
  • ‘broke’ my bedroom by falling out of mezzanine bed twice (once an accident, but twice idiocy?), pulling all the electrics out of the wall
  • permanently scarred left eye, back and ass cheek from cuts and wounds from aforementioned bed mishap
  • burned a huge hickey effect on my neck with 200 degree straightening irons (always a good look for interviews)
  • found out that the car I bought for $1500 to replace the one that I just T-boned a cop with is in fact crap and won’t work – so, now own 2 written off VWs
  • oh, and today I got electrocuted and set on fire in my very own bed from fucked up wiring hanging out my wall
  • which means i have to pay a shedloada money for an electrician
  • have i mentioned I have no money?

Most shockingly, yes, I WAS ACTUALLY ON FIRE. You’ll notice a recurrent theme of mostly self-induced harm.

All this – and not forgetting the most expensive kebab in the world that cost $1300 when the shark in ‘Groovy Kebab’ held back my card and watched my PIN. They actually put a photo of the guy holding my card at the cashpoint in the papers. He is now wanted for fraud, so fled to India and is never allowed to return to NZ (maybe I’ll bump into him?)


Still, even though I’ve been through a succession of bad luck, it’s only been financial and although I’ve lost all my hard-earned cash, I’m smiling as I’ve met a 40 year old Spanish DJ who there was an article on in the papers for customising his 5 year old son a Chopper (BMX, not axe). He looks like Motley Crue’s Tommy Lee in every way (by the way, their biog ‘The Dirt’ is one of the funniest books I’ve ever read – call me sheltered).

I think if he didn’t have such a filthy hispanic accent he wouldn’t be nearly as sexy. He likes to say “I like-ah to fuck-ah. I am a good fuck. Are you a good fuck-ah? Fucking is good, no?”. Er, yes!

We met when he bought my door. Yes, he bought my door.

He was walking past my house and I spotted him staring at my smashed up V-dub (from the earlier slamming-head-on-into-a-police-woman-incident). He has the same reg car and needed the non-totally smashed up door.

So I gave it to him.

A little while later and I bumped into him dj-ing at a club. ‘I bought your door’ he said.

So I gave it to him.


My phone needs to have a childlock on it after midnight. Text flirting gives pussies courage, which is not always a good thing. Misinterpretation of tone and false courage = DISASTER. Here’s an example of how I misused the tool and lost my power and cool with the Spanish DJ in 1 measley second.

02.17 CESAR (AKA CARLITO BONITO): sorry i left lisa im a bit tired and sober for party
02.46 (left a reasonable amount of time, keeping cool) LISA (AKA BONITA APPLEBUM): lo siento tambien una dia de una borachera pero creo que to es atractivo pero con problemas
(transl: I am sorry also a day of a drunk but I think you are attractive but with problems)
02.55 CESAR: gracias. Im a bit all over the place but I dont have serious problems
03.00 LISA: ok and I am sorry for you. Its all clout time. good luck
03.01 CESAR: I hope you don’t say good luck like goodbye…
(all good he’s keen)
03.05 LISA: why? What do you want? No relationship was ever bourne out of this
(for some reason spelt born like Bourne Supremacy, which really annoyed me the next day)
03.06 CESAR: as far as I knew we r becoming friends
(oh dear, all gone tits up)
03.08 LISA: am eating cookies and choc so happy
(er, yes, genius, superb change of subject)
03.07 CESAR: I’m drinking coffee and smoking joint happy 2 ps like my uppers & downers
03.09 LISA: good
(but I’m not a monosyllabic girl, so…)
03.13 LISA: tryin to make sense of drunk lisa is like tryin to count pain drops. What a day for a festival
(can only assume I meant ‘rain’ and what festival? – the festival inside my head or my phone?)

Oh well, after thoroughly confusing the Spanish fly, it’s lucky we’ve had an addition to the house:

1x Kramer-esque character who doesn’t actually live here, but might as well do – pops in and out willy nilly (in more ways than one). Stores crates of organic beer under the house. Plants and cultivates marijuana plants around the area. Oh, and has been my fuck buddy for since the day he arrived back in NZ after spending 3 years away. I’m still not completely convinced this can work platonically with nobody getting jealous, but as I’m more attracted to his brain than his brawn I think I can handle it.

Mi casa es tu casa, mi cama tu cama indeed.

Library Goggles. Check it:

For more stories from round the world – check the Pages widget below – Marmite, Masochism & The 8th Wonder of the World, etc.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s