STONED NATURISTS & IGUANAS IN CAMDEN FLATHUNT (NOT RHYMING SLANG)

Let this be a lesson in anyone looking for a flatshare – don’t use Gumtree. I’ve just found these postings I put on my work intranet 6 years ago (not very professional to be honest). Warning: There might be full frontal nudity at the end of this post. In fact, there is some definite semi action going on.

Note: The crack den burnt down in the big Camden and Hawley Arms fire. Hmmmm.

 

iguana-pose

Desperately seeking non-weirdo flatties in NW1-3 or East-ish

(Tuesday 17/04/07)

After a month of searching I am still looking for a place to live. There are some bloody weird people out there. So far I have checked out the abodes of 2 paranoid stoners and their 4ft iguana, who kept asking if I work with the police (them, not the iguana). Then I somehow ended up in Julian Clary’s house, fitted with leopard-print carpets and velvet curtains throughout. Last night took me to the Camden crack den. They hadn’t even bothered to clear up remnants and paraphernalia – plus wanted £160pw for the privilege (probably to buy new front teeth – they had none).

And my favourite? The forlorn looking Hungarian and the uptight Virgin Mobile employee who told me that we would be getting a kitten and I would be expected to take it to work and look after it there on a rota with them. When I asked why the previous tenant moved out they said it was because she pretended to be in a coma. Er, you what? Help!

crack20den203

Update – oh you’re an artiste?

(Wednesday 18/04/07)

I’m updating you on my torture until somebody in this damn company helps. Last night’s viewing took me to a giant apartment opposite the Lock Tavern rooftop in Chalk Farm. It overlooks the sauna (AKA brothel) fire stairwell. The flattie, who was drunk at 4pm, was particularly bizarre. It almost looked like nobody had ever lived in his pad except from one giveaway item… an excruciatingly strategically-placed sketchpad of naked laydeees to prompt an obvious “oh you draw?” which then enabled him to launch into a loooooooooong explanation all about his life-drawing classes and photography extracurricular-ness-ness. There was absolutely no sign of charcoal or artist materials other than the open pad. He then asked if I would pose for him.

I now have 10 days and counting left.

sauna

My flat hunt continues tonight, may the force be with us all

(Thursday 19/04/07)

Having just got off the phone with a 51 year old Maths teacher who is looking for a roomie (I have decided not to check him out), I am now off to Canonbury and then Chalk Farm to look at 2 more potential disastrous abodes.

If I do not come in tomorrrow, go to N1 2JX, bang on all the doors and pick up my body. Hey at least a room wouldn’t be needed anymore, just a box. Feel free to use any organs for personal gain – as you would if I was conscious.

dalston-barbie

Oh shit, 3 days & counting (she’s alive, but despairing of London)

(Wednesday 25/04/07)

And so the flathunt continues. The Canonbury squares didn’t kill me, but the fact that their shirts were tucked into their pants did.

Next on the list was the lovely Malaysian guy with a great ex-council flat. Problem is – he had an 8ft poster of ‘Bad Boys II’ on the living room wall and wanted £45pm from me just for the bloody Manchester FC TV Channel.

Just this lunchtime I looked at a place in Kentish Town. It was overpriced and pretty shitty. Plus, the flattie’s eyes were going in 2 different directions and that can be unnerving. Hey, I’m not being fussy.

It is now Thursday. I have a van booked for Monday night. Where the hell I will tell it do go to, I don’t know?

The Gonzo couch in Studio D is looking appealing.

Another warning bell with this ad…

‘Three bedroom ground floor flat, three Brazilians living in, all aged 28-34, two girls and one guy, some gay, some straight (sexual orientation normally linked to the amount of alcohol consumed). The walls are quite thin and so there might be a bit of noise coming from the living room’.

Love to you all in your homes,

A rapidly-losin-my-sense-of-humour-Lisa

PS. We ride together, we die together. Bad boys for life.

bad-boys-2-poster-2

And the winner for seriously the worst flatmate potential goes to…

(Thursday 26/04/07)

This e-mail for a potential flatmate is no joke. Their name* has been changed to protect the identity. Please excuse my insensitivity for posting (9 days and counting).

Hello, I got your mail with regards to the interest in my flat.

Thanks so much for the interest. I will tell you all that i feel you need to know about the the room and the flat now because i am presently in Southampton in a hospital where i am with my grandmother who has been critically sick for sometimes now. First,i will tell you a bit about myself. My name is Kerry Bollocks*, 26. I am a working university graduate and i am planning to go for my Masters Degree Program in International Finance. I would describe myself as outgoing, broad interests, very tidy, sociable and extroverted. I enjoy travelling, outdoors, poetry, singing, dancing,occassional pub-crawling, good food, drinking a good glass of wine or tea with friends and when i stay indoor, i enjoy playing games like chess and scrabble if i am not reading a magazine.

My mother is dead but i have a grandmother who is at the hospital right now and i am staying with her. She is about the only surving relative that i have except an aunt. My father seperated from my mother while i was only 3 years old and he has been living in Australia ever since then with the new wife he married and his children. However, don’t let me bore you with my story and tell you about the room.

The flat is a newly bought one which my mother bought before she died and left for me in her will as her only child. The room i am renting out is a beautiful, big standard room which is very neat. I don’t tolerate dirtiness, that is why you will see the room so neat and it has the following: *A big standard bed which can sleep two people. *A television connected to the cable. *A refridgerator in the kitchen.  *A drawer unit. *A big living room fully furnished with a television connected to the cable,a sound system,heater and airconditioner depending on what we want at any particular time. *Internet facilities available which i connect my laptop to but if you have a laptop, you can bring along so that you can get connected as well but in case you do not have, we can always share mine. *A fully furnished kitchen which you can use for your cookings *Garage which the building has on its own. *Tube station is about 5-7 mins walk from the flat. *Close to hospital and shopping mall.(walking distance) *The security in the neighbourhood is high. The payment is thus: Rent is £250 per month plus appoximately £150 for utilities+cable+internet service per person.

The reason why i am renting out this room is because i need to raise my grandmothers medical bill as she has since become my resposibility ever since my mother died and i have promised my mum on her sick bed at her pont of death that i was going to take care of her mother (my grandmother) as this was her dying wish and i am ready to fulfil her wish. However, she is about the only survivg relative that i have for now and i do not want to loose her to the cold hands of death. Moreso,i do not want some unserious people to start wasting my time on this rent and this is the reason why i am collecting the payment in advance so that i can see the finanacial commitment and also my granny will be undergoing a surgery soon and i will have to pay up the surgery deposit, i will need to add up this rent payment to the money i have being able to gather together. Let me know if you would love to come and view the flat and have a look at what you are renting and paying for but the problem is that a lot of people have wasted my time on this rent issue and i really want someone very serious to deal with this time around. I sincerely want someone very serious and sincerely willing to rent the room because a lot of people have wasted my time on this rent.However,let me know the date that you are intending to move in and move out. It was just unfortunate that my mother died just immediately she bought it and she did not even lived in it for a single day because the interior decorations was the work going on in the flat before she passed on.

I am pet friendly so you can bring along you pet with you although i don’t have any pet. I would have loved you to come and visit and see the flat yourself but i am in the hospital with my granny who really needs my attention now as the doctors said that she is not responding to treatment and that it is advisable to have me as her relative to be around her so that this can aid her response to treatment since this will affect her psychologically, this is the reason why i have taken my time to take the pics and send them to you so that you can see the room. I will be waiting to read from you but do not bother to reply me if you are not serious about renting the room. Thanks once again for the interest in my room while i wait to read from you.

ps: please remember my grandmother in your prayers, i do not want to see her die now.

rest-in-peace

1 day & counting (she’s alive, but despairing of men)

(Friday 27/04/07)

I think maybe I should live alone. I officially give up after getting this ‘semi’ interesting application…

Hi – I am looking for a place to share with a difference.

Basically I am an >airline pilot working from Heathrow though I live in France where I >spend most of my free time skiing in the winter and enjoying wine and >sun in the summer. and other things of course! Up until now I’ve been >using hotels quite a lot but now would like my own bolt hole so to speak. I would obviously be away a lot but quite happy to pay full rent for the flexibility I need. I don’t smoke but like a tipple! I am very sporty and not a couch potato! I too like a relaxing DVD!

The tricky bit is that I am a naturist and want to share with someone who is cool with that. I like the freedom of not wearing clothes when I can so if the idea of a naked guy walking around is likely to make you run screaming into the street we are not meant to be! Hope that doesn’t sound too wierd, I just love the freedom thats all. I have a good sense of humour, am very tidy and considerate so feel free to say hi if you think it might work. I can send a naturist photo for you to get an idea if you like, anyway hope you are not offended for that is not my intention.

Hope to hear from you.

Kind Regards

Simon

what-a-stance

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3 thoughts on “STONED NATURISTS & IGUANAS IN CAMDEN FLATHUNT (NOT RHYMING SLANG)

  1. thanks youv made my day these stories had me in hysterics didnt think there was so many nut jobs offering rooms hope u find someone sensible to liv with soon good luck with that one

  2. love it! good old Camden and the eternal search to find the perfect flatmates.
    🙂 very entertaining

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